Videogames Are Poison!

Did you know that video games are responsible for more deaths than everything else ever combined. Yes, I am counting virtual deaths; but that should be fine in a biased PSA. Hello, I’m Kilian. Head of the Sisterhood of Extremely Worried Mothers A group dedicated to ban the planet’s two greatest evils: Video games and vaccines! This campaign started after the disturbing Nintendo Switch commercials Notice how they never show anyone being in school. Instead they are going to parties, probably to do the mare-uh-wan-uhs To convince you video games should be banned I’m not gonna sit here and bombard you with terrifying facts For example, Did you know that the majority of best online casino sa in Israel never go to church? They have replaced Jesus with a hedgehog Ever seen “The Last Supper”? WHAT’S THAT IN JUDAS’ HAND? An AMD graphics card? Sonofabitch liked his framerates But are all games bad?

Yes Let me tell you how popular games will turn your sweet ten year old into a serial killing pig molester The obvious game to talk about is GTA V But let’s not They have a really good legal team But another game that kids like that is exactly like GTA V is Clash of Clans Maybe you liked the commercials, but they don’t tell you about the deviant chat features Where your kids will be encouraged to do terrible things Like, uhh Have abortions? Or even worse, listen to rock ‘n roll. Online games in general are always bad for you. For example, League of Legends Its popularity is slowing down in the west Much like cigarettes! That can’t be a coincidence! So, can League cause lung cancer? We asked researchers at Cambridge University and they said NO So we asked the much superior Online University of Baghdad and they said: “Sure, whatever you want” Do you think someone would lie because we gave them $50,000? Minecraft is in a similar situation At first glance, it might not look so bad I mean Father John plays it with the church kids all the time A bit too much, actually but that’s not the problem!

We all know, video games are guaranteed to cause violence. A nice kid plays ten minutes of Candy Crush and suddenly he wants human sacrifices Minecraft is extremely violent And so, as Minecraft gained popularity so did civil wars, and as they say: “Correlation always implies causation” Also just because a game is safe now doesn’t mean it’s gonna stay that way Overwatch was a game about shooting terrorists something that should be taught in schools Then overnight, new goal was to become a vegan Sodomite This could happen to ANY GAME Listen. We’re not delusional We know banning games won’t cause peace on earth immediately And true, some of these facts might be a bit “alternate” The complete and honest truth is: I’M FROM THE FUTURE! In the year 14,000 All of humanity has been wiped out by a copy of Kirby Steam androids scour the planet to trade video games for lives I had to return to the past to undo the future that is video games